I am stuck. Uncertain, doubting, sabotaging. And if I am truly honest … afraid.
The pit in my stomach grows and tightens. I feel frustrated, discouraged, disappointed, agitated.… And on particularly bad days, inadequate. I hate these feelings. So uncomfortable! My instinct is to avoid them. And if I can’t avoid them, I should at least resolve this discomfort as quickly as possible.
I suspect this is why the internet is filled with “how‑to” articles. An elixir‑promise to resolve the discomfort. We think, “If I just know what to do, I will be all set — right?!”
Don’t get me wrong, I have spent hours searching the internet for answers to my questions and found value in many published articles. Heck, I have published my share in hopes others will find the same.
And yet, knowledge alone is not enough to transform.
As much as I like to believe that “If I know, I can do,” change just doesn’t work that way. Knowledge can solve the problem of, for example, “How do I write a clear and cohesive strategic plan?” but it cannot resolve the incredibly uncomfortable process of putting that knowledge into practice. The discomfort of creating, transforming, differentiating? It’s unavoidable.
Insert resistance. To refuse, oppose, reject, fight against. The brakes to the change we so desire.
Each time I sit down to write, I bump into my own resistance to do just that. Instead of moving toward what I most want, I use my creativity to find ten different ways to avoid the actual practice of writing.
On the worst days, any effort toward my vision feels depleting and futile. This discomfort seems a sure sign that I am heading the wrong way.
And so, I wonder, “Do we ever really change?”
Will I ever really become a writer? Will you ever really become:
- more assertive
- more strategic
- more receptive
- more influential
We are who we are, right?
Changing Your Leadership Behavior: No Pain, No Gain
Do you remember the motivational statement “No Pain, No Gain”?
In the athletic realm, we accept this unavoidable truth. I have friends with crazy amounts of resilience, who have pushed through the pain of climbing 6000 feet on a bike or hiking 30 miles a day for five months, or ….
And yet, when it comes to emotional pain and discomfort, most of us avoid it outright. Instead, we excel at myriad forms of numbing, distracting, and avoiding:
- Netflix
- chocolate
- a cocktail
- even creating a new client contract
We find things that ease the discomfort, make us feel capable.
When we practice new behaviors, especially those that stretch our sense of identity and capability, emotional pain and discomfort are inevitable. Turns out that motivational statement is as true in the emotional domain as it is in the physical — “No Pain, No Gain!”
We accept short‑term pain for long‑term gain in the physical realm. The same benefits are available to us when we accept, rather than avoid, the emotional discomfort of change. We can build this "muscle" of emotional courage and resilience.
Unpacking the Downward Spiral of Resistance
I desperately wanted to get past what was keeping me from what I crave most: my own resistance. While pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Suffering = (pain) x (our resistance to that pain).
We get stuck because
- we don’t know WHAT we want (or are unwilling to name it and claim it).
- we don’t know HOW to get it.
- we don’t want to FEEL the pain and discomfort of transformation.
- we don’t BELIEVE we can get it / become it.
At the root of them all, the vulnerability of risking rejection, ridicule, failure, incompetence — aka, emotional pain.
…I know WHAT I want: to write. To connect, inspire, and impact you.
…I know a bit about the HOW of writing and my writing process, and I have support to close any knowledge gaps I may have.
My biggest worry is losing credibility with you, my readers, the leaders I want to serve. I know vulnerability is the currency of connection. But credibility is the currency of leadership.
Credibility and vulnerability have become opposing forces for me that cannot coexist. Credibility and capability are core to my sense of identity. How could I possibly put that on the line to connect, inspire, and impact you?
It’s a vicious cycle. With my limiting belief firmly in place (mostly unconscious), I spiral into resistance and suffering, doubting myself and avoiding the discomfort of this change.
Again and again. With varying degrees of intensity and avoidance (insert need to feel somewhat capable — it’s insidious!). Trapped in the discomfort of my insecurity, envy, and fixed sense of identity.
Soon, I believe sustained behavior change isn’t possible. In the one person I should be able to control most!
Staying put — not risking the confusion and disorientation of changing — feels easier and less painful. At least in the short term.
Sustained Leadership Behavior Change = Feeling Our Way Through It
Inaction ensures that we will stay disappointed and discouraged. New action, sitting just on the other side of that resistance, increases our odds of getting what we want.
So how did this article come to be? How did I manage to break through my resistance and settle into the discomfort of transformation, without
- being eternally trapped by inaction OR
- reverting to old habits and behaviors?
It takes practice and resilience. Navigating resistance must be experienced, again and again. Some days we can short‑circuit it faster than others.
Here is what helps me get through it: Notice — FEEL — Act
When I was trapped in the grip of resistance, I had some awareness of my avoidance tactics. I knew I wasn’t doing what I needed to be doing (aka, sitting down and writing!). I noticed, yet the knowledge alone wasn’t enough to break free.
I also knew I should break down the change into small actions:
- write for 30 minutes.
- “run this experiment.”
Engage with curiosity, detach from the outcome, see what emerges … and then celebrate wins to build belief and momentum. Again, knowledge wasn’t enough to get me into action.
The more I thought about my inaction, the more I was trapped, and the more I suffered. My saboteur kicked into high gear, creating all kinds of stories about what my discomfort and avoidance must mean about me. I internalize pain, so my saboteur sounds like this: “I am incapable, inadequate, not good enough….” Others externalize their pain, with their saboteur sounding more like this: “This is my personality; people just need to accept me as I am,” “You need to adapt to me.”
Either way, we are stuck. And we become our own captors.
I can’t believe I am about to type this, but …
“We can’t think our way through the discomfort. We must FEEL our way through it.”
Ugh — seriously? I have spent much of my life avoiding and suppressing my emotions in the interest of control, capability, credibility, impact.
And poignantly, feeling my emotions continues to be the key to changing my own behaviors.
I broke through my resistance by sitting down to name and feel what was happening in my body. To feel the physical sensations of
- envy
- fraudulence
- anger
- fear
I wrote myself a letter. It was full of empathy and compassion for all the hard emotions I was feeling as if talking to a dear friend. The agitation, dissatisfaction, shame, and blame.
I know, it sounds crazy. I am with you. But here we are, with the article that emerged shortly after that release.
Only when I accepted the pain and discomfort of transformation was I liberated from my saboteurs and the downward spiral of resistance and suffering.
As my resistance went down, my momentum went up — propelling me into committed action.
Do We Ever Really Change?
Yes AND No. We have an essence that is with us throughout life. AND we have more capacity waiting to be revealed than you might think. More choice. More agency. More possibility.
There is no growth without discomfort. No creativity. No transformation.
“No Pain. No Gain.”
The unavoidable truth… of individual change … and organizational change.
It can be hard to accept. I resist this truth again and again.
AND resistance creates suffering. Both are optional. The choice is ours.
As you learn to feel your way through the discomfort, you just might find it is a lot less painful than the discomfort of inaction. That lingers much longer. The discomfort of being our own greatest obstacle to what could be, to being a genuinely strategic leader.
On the other side of that discomfort, we get to feel exhilaration, elation, triumph. Like the physical high of that run, ride, game‑winning catch that you didn’t think was in you.
Are you willing to take the leap with me, and experience that "thrill of victory?’"
Or better yet — a toe, step, or hop into action. Just one little experiment at a time. And then another, and another, and…. Each time, building emotional courage and resilience to face and embrace the discomfort of change.
The only way is through it.
